Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My husband is a 73 year old woman trapped in the body of a 33 year old man.

Yeah, I thought that might catch your attention. Allow me to explain. (And remember, this is a post that the hubs must NEVER know about.)

I've often commented that my dear husband can act a bit old for his age. This typically happens in the realm of economics, politics and the such. So you can imagine what all the talk of the upcoming election and the bailout is doing to him. This trait also appears when faced with situations of personal behavior and personal responsibility. He's what you could call wise beyond his years... or you could just call it cranky and crotchety. Truth is, he should have been born decades ago. So, I occasionally say that he is a 60 or 70 year old man trapped in the body of a 30-something year old man.

But there was a new element added to that recently. I'm sorry - this is really long, but if you can stick with it, and if you know my husband, this will be worth it in the end.

I mentioned several posts ago that we have a new neighbor. He's a young guy, and we've since learned that his girlfriend/significant other lives there, too. We found out about her from the landlord (let's call him Tweedle Dum), so it seems that her presence has their "blessing". In the past, the landlord had told us that the other 2 units in the house were meant for 1 occupant only, because only 1 parking spot is available for each unit. I'm not sure what happened or why this change has occurred, but in any event, The Boy and The Girl have been living in the second floor unit.

During this time, the landlord has been fixing up the first floor unit. This project has taken literally all summer long and has been a mockery of all things home-improvement. No Mr. Fix-it in his right mind would have stretched this project out as long as Tweedle Dum did, but that's another story for another day.

As usual for a weekend, Tweedle Dum and his wife (Tweedle Dee) were around this weekend pretending to execute various feats of home improvement. Sunday evening we heard some thumping and banging of indeterminate origin (1st floor? 2nd floor?) but didn't think too much of it. Monday evening we heard the same noises, but they were clearly the sounds of things being drug down the stairs and into the first floor unit. Shawn went outside and scanned the back porch and back windows and determined that The Boy and The Girl are moving from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor. And yes, his little reconnaissance mission was just as Nosy Nelly as it seems.

So of course this discovery sent Nosy Nelly into overdrive. You see, the front porch, which is where the 2nd floor unit enters the building, has a railing dividing it in half. There is no porch sharing there, or even any possibility of porch sharing, because of the clear presence of the railing as a boundary. However, this is not the case on the back porch, which is where the 1st floor unit enters the building. There is no railing on the back porch, and the yard is open to the full back of the house as well. The yard is perfectly free to be shared, but the porch has always been regarded as having an invisible boundary down the middle. Just a common courtesy kind of thing.

Given our past history of back porch neighbors (see this post and its references to "E") , Nervous Nosy Nelly is FREAKING OUT that we are going to have *issues* with The Boy and The Girl. Playing into this is the fact that The Boy and The Girl do have friends over once in a while, and Nervous Nosy Nelly is FREAKING OUT that they might have a *party* and be *loud*. Ok, once - ONCE - they had friends over on a Sunday night and they were noisy, but it ended promptly at 11, so needless to say, I am NOT concerned that there will be a problem. Of additional *concern* to Nervous Nosy Nelly is that The Boy and The Girl are obvious Eagles fans, so of course any time there is a game, Nervous Nosy Nelly FREAKS OUT that The Boy and The Girl might be *loud*. Another factor here is that The Boy and The Girl left two pair of sandals and a pair of swim trunks on the front porch for several weeks this summer. I'm not sure why they left the stuff there, but when it disappeared nothing else reappeared in its place - leads me to believe Tweedle Dum might have said something to them, but I don't really know. Anyway, Nervous Nosy Nelly is FREAKING OUT that they will make a mess of the back porch, and all of my reassurances that I would speak up if that ever happened are.not.helping.

Are you with me on this? Do you feel my pain? More importantly, if I show up on your doorstep at 11:00 one night with my pillow and my blankie, will you let me crash on your couch?

Compounding ALLLLL of this (yes, I know - you're thinking that there can't possibly be MORE)..... Just before we realized what was happening next door Monday evening, I made the mistake of pointing out that the bone belonging to Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee's dog was laying in the back yard. Now, I mentioned this only because I didn't want the hubs to mow over it since it is our responsibility to mow the yard. Big mistake. BIG MISTAKE. This dog is the same dog that poops in the back yard, and Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee don't bother to clean up the piles. Needless to say - the dog and Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee are all on Nelly's Poop List.

When Nelly found out about the bone, there was (yes, you guessed it) more FREAKING OUT. Nelly wanted to put the bone between the screen door and the regular door of the first floor unit, because at that point we didn't know about The Boy and The Girl. Nelly just wanted to "make a point" because Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee are obviously clueless. Simply putting the bone on the porch has not gotten the point through to them in the past. No arguments there, but I was trying to explain that we didn't need to stoop to their levels of game playing. Didn't work. Got crap for suggesting that. Finally told him to do whatever he wanted, and in the end, I think he just threw the bone up onto the porch.

This is what I have been dealing with since Monday night. Last night was more subdued - there was less thumping and such from next door, but Nervous Nosy Nelly did make several trips out onto the back porch that were of definite Nosy Nelly origin. Well, Nosy Nelly combined with Testosterone-Induced Territory Claims. I'm pretty sure that for at least one of the trips onto the porch and into the yard, Nervous Nosy Nelly used the steps on the other side of the porch just to be NOSY and just to make some kind of "Man Point". Ugh.

So, all of these recent events have led me to conclude that my husband is actually a 73 year old woman trapped in the body of a 33 year old man. Seriously - - - is it just me, or do these actions of his SCREAM of that nosy old biddy living on every street in America?!?! We may have just celebrated 5 years of wedded bliss, but days like these make me shake my head and want to run screaming from the house!


Melb. said...

hahahahahaha....I am ROFL! He is TOOO much. I love your name for him, Nervous Nosy Nellie and the other names...hahahaha....I was laughing out loud in my office..people probably think I am NUTS. Great Post. My DH is similar but not QUITE as bad. You have a real live one there!

Rollie said...

OMG that had me with tears in my eyes from later, and I could just see you telling me the story in person!
The things that our Signifigant others do and we love them in spite of it.

Alexis said...

Nelly needs his own house on lots of property to call his own :) Too funny Laurel- you can crash at my house if you need to- just bring your scrapping supplies with you!